Maintaining the Connection

It's Saturday morning, the first weekend of the school year, and I'm sitting in the kitchen,  doing the crossword puzzle, waiting for H to wake up.  I just realized I've been doing this almost every morning for the last 16 1/2 years.  I feel like my day doesn't start until  she's awake.  Typically, on the few days that she doesn't have to wake up early for school or some other activity, we let her sleep in.  Theoretically.  But I usually can't just go on and do what I need to do until she gets up.  What is up with that?  When she's out of town, it's not as bad.  I will go ahead and do whatever I have to do, but until I get a text or phone call from her, I'm still on edge.

I've been really sentimental and emotional lately.  Even catching glimpses of "Bethenny Getting Married?" on TV will make me tear up.  Seeing the usually bitter, acerbic Bethenny Frankel get all mushy and gushy about her new baby daughter takes me back to the wonder and the profound love that smacked me over the head when H entered our world.  I wonder if it's this bad when people have more than one child.

These intense emotions are being exacerbated by the fact that my sweet, loving, sensitive almost 17-year-old daughter is experiencing some normal bouts of moodiness.   Last night, we were at a party, and she was at the Friday night football game with friends.  We had not seen her much all week, since school had started, and Friday we saw her even less.  She left for school at 7 a.m., went to her Friday volunteer job after school, and ran in to take a 5 minute shower before leaving to get ready at a friend's house.  When she texted me that she was home, I couldn't wait to leave our party to get home and talk to her for a few minutes before she fell asleep.   (I know, I know...get a life, mom!)

Anyway, we came home about an hour later, and I went upstairs to chat with her.  She had a different idea.  When I think of it from her point of view, (long week, emotionally drained, needing to decompress)  I completely understand, but it was still difficult for me.  She was in her bed, watching some mindless TV, and I came bursting in wanting to hear all about her night.  She did NOT feel like sharing...just didn't have the energy.  I reverted back to childhood and kind of stomped off, then she felt guilty and apologized.  Not the outcome I had imagined or wanted for the evening.

When I reach WAYYYYY back into my memory of being a teenage girl, I remember the need to establish some freedom and autonomy from my mom.  I needed to assert my independence from my mom,  but still needed the connection... although I had no idea how to do it.  As a result, I know I pushed her away.  So there was that give and take that I'm experiencing now.  She pushes me away, and then when I go away, she tries to pull me back in.  She experienced an incredible growth this summer from her experiences at Adventure Treks,  Operation Smile, and Design Camp at NCSU.  She is discovering things about herself, and in an effort to develop that sense of self, she feels the need to rebel a little against my control.  I know that...my common sense tells me I need to let go a little bit...but my emotional side keeps fighting back. 

We're making some progress.  The good part is she's developing a really good connection with her dad.  They walk the dog together, or have lunch together, and she is telling him more now than she did as a young girl.  I do bite my tongue many times when I want to ask for more details than she gives, and try to keep my tidbits of "advice" which she always sees as criticisms, (are you going to wear that?  I like your hair better this way, etc) to a minimum. 

In other words, when she pulls away, I'm trying not to pursue as hard.  She does always come back.   Every now and then, when the stars align, I am in her bedroom when she feels like talking, and we have some wonderful discussions and connect in a way that gives me hope for the future.  I think she reaches out when I don't push so hard.

So my hope for this school year, is that she continues to find out more about herself...her goals, her dreams, and who she wants to be.  The only way that is going to work is if I let go.  Not all the way.  Just more than I have in the past.   We will always be bound together, but I'm going to give her some slack in the rope.

Us Air NIGHTMARE!!

I am so livid about H's recent experience on US Air that I just have to put it in words.  We picked her up from design camp in Raleigh, NC last week, and drove to Charlotte to put her on a US Air flight to Denver for Operation Smile's Student Leadership Conference.  That flight was uneventful. But on her return to Asheville, NC through Charlotte the nightmare began.

When she arrived in Charlotte, (after only sleeping 3 hours the night before=tired and emotional) she was told her connection to Asheville would be delayed. An hour later was told it was cancelled.  She called us trying to hold back the tears because she had no idea what to do.  We sent her to the "special services" line, and when she reached the attendant was told there were no flights until Saturday!!!! (2 days later!). Trying not to cry, she told the attendant she was only 16, and asked her what she was supposed to do. Another attendant didn't even look up, but murmured, "well, her parents didn't tell us she was a minor so there's nothing we can do". (**side note:  when you purchase tickets online there is no designation for a 16 year old, only adults or children up to-14 years old. )

We were ready to drive the 3 1/2 hours to pick her up, but that would have meant she would have to sit in the airport, exhausted, scared and alone for 3 1/2 hours.  As it was, it was 6 p.m. and she had been up since 6 a.m. and in airports since 7.  Luckily, we were able to find a car service ($600) to drive her to us, but when she went to get her bag was told it had been put on another flight and she couldn't get it. No "lost luggage" code because it wasn't lost. Now it's three days later and we still don't have her bag. Multiple phone calls to customer service, putting us on hold for two to three hours total, it has been a nightmare.

We were lucky that we had the means to find safe transportation for her that night.  I can't imagine what would have happened if we weren't available and didn't have connections to find alternative travel.  The multiple agents that she encountered that evening were of absolutely no help at all.  There was no consideration that she was a child traveling alone.  No sympathetic adults, no kind smiles, no information other than the fact that she was s&*% out of luck.  The icing on the cake was that her cell phone died, so she had to ask a stranger to borrow his cell phone to call us.  

Needless to say, we will never fly US Air again! EVER!!!

REUNITED...finally!

The Rope's getting longer...

We're back in lake Toxaway. Picked up H from the airport last week from her 25 day backpacking trip in California. This summer she decided that instead of going back to her all-girls summer camp, she was ready to try something different. She did an adventure treks trip, which was definitely different than anything she'd ever done before. She was in a group of 24 kids, boys and girls, and they did several 4-6 day backpacking trips, on mountains and the lost coast of Oregon, went mountain biking, rock climbing, rafting, and climbed to the summit of Mt. Shasta, which was 14,162 feet, then glissaded downhill!

I think they took a grand total of 2-3 showers...but she absolutely loved it! She not only pushed herself physically farther than she had ever gone before, she had a life changing experience with these kids.

The re-entry to normal family life has been difficult. The group she was with bonded like they'd known each other their whole lives. I think Adventure Treks does a fabulous job building community. They were from different parts of the world...and in a normal setting, probably very few of them would have naturally become friends, but the experience in the back country brought them together.

When J and I picked her up from the airport, I went to baggage claim to meet her. I pulled her bag off, and waited for her to get there. And waited. And waited. Finally, after the baggage carousel stopped moving and almost everyone had taken their bags and left, this dirty, beautiful, sobbing girl walked over to me. Her eyes were swollen, her face was so dirty there were tear tracks etched in what looked like mud going down her cheeks, and she was crying so hard it took a few minutes for her to get control and tell me she had just walked four of her friends to their connecting gates to say goodbye.

She's never been so thankful for facebook and video chatting. They're already planning next year's trip. She never made this strong a connection with her friends from summer camp, even though she loved those girls, too. I think going through something so physically and emotionally challenging provides a deep connection that is hard to duplicate. She learned so much, about herself, about nature, about being a team and building community. She hasn't shared a lot of details with us. I think she will, eventually, but only a little bit. I think she wants to keep this experience to herself...and her new friends...which is a good thing. She's been taking baby steps to independence and growth over the last few years, but this was a giant step. By not sharing every little bit with us, she's becoming more of her own person.

I'm not going to lie. As her mom, it's hard. On one hand, I love when she shares things with me. But on the other hand, I am so proud of her. As I see her gradually becoming her own person, with her own thoughts, beliefs, goals and dreams, I am filled with awe at the miracle of watching her grow.

Flipping over Speed Bumps

Just got back from a week in Snowmass and Aspen, Colorado. I had to drag my husband, kicking and screaming, away from Lake Toxaway for our little visit to the mountains out west. If he had his way, we'd park it there and never leave. Don't get me wrong, I love it in North Carolina. I love it so much I've agreed to build our "retirement" home there. We actually broke ground on it last week. If all goes as planned, we'll finish building it when H graduates from high school, and we will move our "home base" to the Blue Ridge Mountains.

But I've wanted to spend time in Colorado ever since I first visited in high school. The mountains, the crystal clean air, the activities both winter and summer, and the whole vibe...I just love it. There was a 75 year old man in line behind me at the grocery store in Snowmass, talking about his mountain bike race that weekend and his triathlon the next weekend. I wanted to be him. Being active and outdoors in Colorado is the norm, not the exception. I could definitely be comfortable there. But the extremes of weather make it difficult to live there year round, so we plan on spending a few weeks there in summer and winter, hopefully.

We met our goods friends from Dallas...T and P. They are so much fun and we love them so much, it was a really great week. We hiked, swam, did yoga, ate great meals and drank great wine. Our two hikes were incredible. The first day we did the Rim Trail in Snowmass...which ended up being 8.5 miles, but had incredible views, and enough flats to let us recover from the uphills.





After recovering from that one, we did the 6 mile round trip to Cathedral Lake...from 9,400 feet to almost 12,000 feet altitude. The altitude definitely did a number on us, but we made it, and it was spectacular.






After T and P left, J and I decided to do the bike ride we'd been looking forward to all week. We drove up to Snowmass Village and bought bikes, helmets and gloves, so we can store them here and won't have to mess around with renting every time. We took off and made it about 200 feet to a parking lot with speed bumps. NOTE TO SELF: DON'T BRAKE HARD WHEN GOING OVER A SPEED BUMP!!

My bike stopped hard, but I didn't. I flew over the handlebars, and my bike stopped, upside down, looking like I was getting ready to change a flat. J heard me fall, but no one saw it. (That I know of). Even though I feel SO stupid, I think it must have been hilarious and wish I had a picture. Since I don't, here's a few bike crash photos, so you can use your imagination.

Anyway, I survived, but my arm is broken. Bummer.

Still here...

I know I post this sight quite a bit, but the summer view of the quiet lake showing the perfect mirror image is so beautiful!



Yes, I am still alive. I am sitting on the balcony at our lake house in North Carolina, reading and relaxing before the weekend of July 4th activities begins. This is the first July 4th that we haven't had houseguests, so we're actually being a little more social than normal. Parties tonight and tomorrow night...we're starting to meet more people up here. Since we plan on this being our home in a couple of years, it's nice to finally start to make connections. For the first few years, it was such an 'escape' for J and I, that we liked the fact that we didn't know anyone. We were able to just fly under the radar, come in and do things we wanted to do without any social obligations. But that would make for a pretty lonely existence up here. We've met people playing tennis, at the club, and at "music on the mountain", the monthly pot luck get-together on top of Mt. Toxaway. We always take Rosie, our black lab, who serves as a wonderful magnet for new people.

H hasn't had much luck meeting kids her age. We're having better luck just bringing friends with us, or having families with friends her age come visit. We brought three friends right after exams were over for five days, and last weekend some dear friends came up with their daughters and a friend.




The problem with that is that when we're here for weeks at a time, it's hard to get kids up here for a few days. So, she just hangs with us, sleeps late, plays tennis, walks the dog, and signs up for every camp she can talk us into. She's now in the snowy mountains of northern California, backpacking, ice climbing, rock climbing, rafting, and camping for a month. I was just reading about her upcoming hike to the summit of Mt. Shasta...it's a serious thing! They've had record snowfalls and still have tons of snow there. So in addition to worrying about her staying warm and making it to the top of the mountain, now I have to worry about avalanches and accidental luge-like falls down the mountain.

Sheesh.


She flies home and has four days with us before going to design camp for a week at North Carolina State University, then one night before going to a leadership conference for Operation Smile. Then she'll have six days before school starts. Something tells me those six days will be spent reading the three summer reading books she hasn't done yet, and completing the projects as well. So much for a relaxing summer. J didn't want her to do the last conference, because he thought it was just too much time away from us, but finally recognized her desire to be around other 16-year-olds, and relented. She might decide hanging out with her parents isn't as bad as she thinks, after the whirlwind of activities...or not. It's all good. I miss her like crazy, but if she was here I'd just be dragging her out of bed before noon every day and bugging her about her summer reading. What fun is that?

As a rising 11th grader, she is spreading her wings. As we begin to let the rope out a little bit, there are lots of emotions that accompany it. I'm proud of the decisions she has made, and is making so far...her choices in friends and activities. I'm trying not to be a 'helicopter mom'...letting her make mistakes and learning from them. That's hard for me. I have typically been one of those, swoop-in-and-fix-things kind of mom. We're lucky that her mistakes have (so far) been minor, and affected mostly herself. She'll make more, and become a better person for it, of that I am sure. I have to bite my tongue, sometimes literally, to avoid nagging her about her summer reading, her eating habits, what she wears, how she fixes her hair...all things that really don't matter in the large scheme of things, and things that drive H crazy. When she does the eye-roll, or the "mo--ooomm", or the silent treatment, it's usually because I've gone a little overboard in the motherly "advice" (or as she sees it, "smothering") When I am successful at keeping my mouth shut about the little things, we have incredible times together. Before she left on her backpacking trip, we played golf, tennis, hiked, watched movies, and cuddled together. I'm so glad we did. She's going to have an incredible time while she's away, but hopefully, she'll remember the good times we had before she left.